Spend enough time on social media channels and you’ll see some amazingly narcissistic tweets and Facebook updates from self-fashioned or mysteriously-ordained social media celebrities, all in the name of social media sharing.
While there are so many ways to write narcissistic tweets and Facebook updates, these eight formulas (all based on actual messages I’ve seen or received) provide a handy guide if you want to increase your insufferability factor on social media.
Want to try the formulas yourself?
Use the words in quotes and fill in your own specifics for the ALL CAPS PHRASES to make the eight formulas work to your best advantage.
8 Social Media Formulas for Narcissistic Tweets and Facebook Updates
Knock yourself out!
Social Media Formula 1: Not (You) in My Backyard
“Spent time in my”
+ HOUSE LOCATION FOLLOWERS WILL NEVER LIVE IN
+ “house by the”
+ BODY OF WATER FOLLOWERS WILL WE’LL NEVER LIVE BY.
Social Media Formula 2: The “Hey, Retweet this for Me” Direct Message
A SELF-CONGRATULATORY STATEMENT (i.e., “One of my best articles”)
+ URL FOR THE ARTICLE
+ DEMAND FOR A RETWEET
+ MY NAME
Social Media Formula 3: The Miracles I Work Despite Jet Lag
“Have been on 10 planes in the last three days, but I’m touching”
+ HOW MANY LIVES YOU’RE TOUCHING
+ “lives. I’m so worn out.”
Social Media Formula 4: You Shouldn’t Be Here
+ CELEBRITY NAME
+ NAME OF REALLY HIP LOCATION AND EVENT.
+ CELEBRITY NAME
+ “is real people!”
Social Media Formula 5: You Wanna Know a Secret?
“I’m going to”
+ INCREDIBLE PLACE FOLLOWERS WILL NEVER GET TO GO TO
+ “, but it’s a secret, so I can’t tell you any more about it!”
Social Media Formula 6: Rubbing Elbows (and Noses . . . but my nose isn’t anywhere near the elbow) with Rockstars
“Great meeting today with”
+ SOCIAL MEDIA ROCKSTAR NUMBER 1
+ SOCIAL MEDIA ROCKSTAR NUMBER 2.
+ “Glad I’m me.”
Social Media Formula 7: Oh, the Places I’ll Go
+ INCREDIBLE CAR FOLLOWERS WILL NEVER BE IN
+ “on my way to”
+ ONCE-IN-A-LIFETIME EVENT FOLLOWERS WILL NEVER GET TO GO TO
+ “to do a”
+ COOL THING FOLLOWERS WILL NEVER GET TO DO.
+ “Can’t wait for it to be over.”
Social Media Formula 8: Faux Self-Depreciation
“Don’t call me a Social Media Rockstar. I’m not one of those.”
+ MAKING IT CLEAR BY YOUR EVERY TWEET, UPDATE & ATTITUDE . . . YES YOU DO THINK YOU ARE ONE
Do you have some favorite formulas to add?
This blog post idea has been sitting around for more than a year. Looking back, that's probably a very good thing since these messages will ideally have been long forgotten by the people who inspired them!
What types of tweets and updates do you find insufferable? Care to turn them into formulas and share them in the comments? And I will understand if you want to wait a bit to share them! - Mike Brown
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